Tuesday, September 22, 2009

experiment of THAT girl

I have this guy friend that I've known for 8 years, and he is one of those solid guys that you know would be a great dad and husband and is so sweet, but has absolutely no "edge".  We dated briefly eight years ago, for like, two weeks... and then I made-out with his roommate because the attraction really wasn't there for me with Solid Guy (I do realize that was just rude of me, but it got the point across to him after explaining to him I didn't want to date anymore and he kept asking to make out... when he saw my shoes in the living room and his roommate's door closed, it finally became apparent to him that I was serious about not dating him.  Wrong.  So wrong.  But it did the trick.).  But nevertheless, our friendship remained intact and we have been good friends ever since.  The only thing we really disagree about is the fact that he would still like to date me... the entire time Ive known him he's said to me, "give me a week, and you'll want another one!"

So for the last eight years, of course, I've just laughed it off, and denied requests to date and see what happens.  But about a month ago I got to thinking about it.  Maybe it's because of the new way I'm doing things as far as dating and not wanting to be the Hook-up girl... I dunno.  But, I figured that I needed to see what it was like actually dating a good guy, and since Solid Guy is one of the best guys I know, why not just give him a week?!

So, I texted him (lame I know, to text relationship stuff) and said that I would give him a week to woo me and he texted back asking me to go to the Poison/ Def Leppard concert that night!  What a fun first date!  I was stoked.  We ended up having a blast, and we got along really, really well, so I was like, "ok, I really need to see if the attraction is there now, so we need to make-out", and of course he was down for that. (What guy would say no?? he he he).  So we made a date to see if the physical chemistry was there to go along with just plain old enjoying each other's company.

Since he's a really good guy, he is pretty strict with his code of conduct while making out.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, is taken below the waist, and he is waiting for marriage.  I can respect that.  I think it's great, and such a sweet thing to do for his future wife.  But three hours of just kissing gets a little old.  And no matter what I tried to do as far as trying to do something else like eat the chocolate cake we had ordered for dessert, or watch a movie, he couldn't be deterred from my mouth.  I guess it would have been fine if I had felt some sort of spark between us physically, but there was NOTHING.  For me.  I was really disappointed.  So I ended up leaving prematurely, and went home.

The whole way home I kept thinking, "I can't do this. I CAN'T do this".  How sad.  Physical Chemistry is huge for me.  It HAS to be there.  I don't know if it's because he's a good guy, and I'm used to other types of men, or what?  But the one week experiment was a bust... it only lasted 5 days. 

So now, he's wanting another chance to make me see that I can be attracted to him... and as much as I would like to be, I know it's just not gonna happen.  I'm torn.  Love hanging out with him, but making out just isn't an option.  Which is a problem because now he won't just hang out with me... he wants the make out with it.  Grrr.  Why???

Anyway, I guess I'm back to square one now.  Why is it that the guys that just want to use us are so intriguing??  And why are the solid ones not physically stimulating or satisfying?? Maybe good guys do finish last.  Because of us.  Because we need just a little edge to feel stimulated.  Because without it, we are bored.  How sad and wrong.  But I guess those are the same reasons men love bitches.  We all want a little excitement and the feeling of security and soildness isn't very exciting.  Yeah, it's nice but just a tad bit boring.  Wanting what we can't have is human nature because it stimulates us and provides a challenge.  Progression.   It sounds like I have a lot more inner work to do than I thought.  I'm a little frustrated.  But at least I did something differently for a change.  Maybe I just need to leap a little more, and a little more often.  It's a numbers game, right?  Baby steps.  

Thursday, September 17, 2009

validation of THAT girl

I'm stuck. I'm THAT girl. You know the one. The single friend that everyone who knows her thinks she's great, but is doing all the wrong things? Yep, that's me. I'm not talking about doing the wrong things just when it comes to dating and men, but doing the wrong things with life in general, thinking that this next great thing will make her happy. I want happiness. Not just the happiness that comes and goes with the external situations and circumstances that determine that happiness, but REAL happiness. The kind of happiness that NEVER goes away. A certain feeling of peace no matter what life throws at me. That's what I want. And a man. I'll admit, I'm boy crazy. That could be part of my problem. In fact, I'll be honest, I KNOW being boy crazy is one of the main problems of why I am unable to find happiness within myself. So we'll start there.

I'm addicted to the validation I get from men that I should be getting from myself; and when it comes to dating, I'm doing it ALL wrong. I mean, I seriously come off looking like crazy fatal attraction girl because he's not calling, or texting, or actually wanting to date me. Because well, I'm also the hook-up girl. The girl they DON'T take home to mom. The girl they don't take out on dates. The girl they don't call when they need someone to talk to. Why? Because I use my sexuality to attract men instead of my sparkling personality because I know it works... in the beginning. And that's when it all starts to unravel and I end up looking completely psychotic. I was just their fun night, or 10. When really, I just wanted to spend time with them and have them like me. I'm a pleaser, and if that's what it takes to please and get them to like me, then so be it. But it doesn't. Not even close.

What I didn't understand was that guys don't see hanging out and hooking up as “getting to know someone”, they see it like it actually is... just a hook up, no more, no less. But my biggest challenge and question after realizing this was, “how do I get myself to act differently if I know that what I'm doing isn't working?”. Old habits die hard. It's also hard to get men to see past my looks. I'm not saying I'm the most gorgeous person on the planet, but I'm pretty and petite and little, with a pretty big chest for how small I am. I haven't had one conversation with a man where they didn't bring it up. Even the sweetest, nicest guys will. Granted, they bring it up politely, but still, c'mon! But as you'll recall, I'm a pleaser, so I act like it doesn't bother me, and talk about it with them and answer their questions (mainly questions like “you're so tiny, are those fake?” which to clarify, they are not).

I didn't realize when I engaged in their questions that this was not good for me when it came to how they saw or thought of me. Until I met a guy, whom we'll call Ideal Guy (because, well, he is really quite perfect to me) that gave me the best, most honest lecture I've ever had given to me. Yes, it was painful to hear and I shed a tear after hearing it, but it seriously opened my eyes to exactly what I had been doing. No one had ever explained how guys think to me in this way. Yeah, I had heard variations of the same thing but they never clicked with me. I was shocked. No wonder I'm 30 years old and still completely single without a prospect in sight, except for the guys that just want a little hanky panky!

So, I want to tell you what he said to me in our very first phone conversation we had late one night, because I think so many women could learn from this. It changed the way I think about men 180 degrees, and it may do the same for you:

He said, “Earlier in the evening when we were chatting on Facebook, we were having this great conversation. You were cute and funny, and had tons of personality and I was really enjoying chatting with you. But when I asked you about personal things and you answered, with honesty, about those things, in that moment you went from being a Girl to Take Home to Mom, to The Hook-up Girl. I automatically changed the way I thought of you and put you into the Hook-up Girl category, even though I knew you were just answering my questions with honesty and without being sexual. All you had to do was change the subject and you would have stayed out of the Hook-up girl category. The entire tone of our conversation changed from fun and interesting to just sexual.” He also said that it was very, very hard and almost impossible to get back to the Take Home to Mom category once you've been put into the Hook-up Girl category in a guys head, no matter how hard you try. Whoa. What??

I was shocked and kind of offended. HE asked the questions... I didn't bring anything up first, and I answered because I didn't think anything of just stating the facts! I had no idea how easy it was to flip the switch... or how fast. I also really liked Ideal Guy, and didn't want to be in the Hook-up Girl category. I wanted to be in the Take Home to Mom category. I deserve that, and told him so!

We eventually ended up talking about how using your sexuality to get validation was an addiction, and that I didn't need to use my sexuality at all to get guys to like me. He said that guys ALREADY see how sexy we are and we don't need to talk about it or flaunt it because most guys are more interested in finding out if we have anything of substance to go along with that sexiness they already see in us. Yes, they will test that and see what kind of girl we end up being to them. And yes, there are the guys that just want the hook-up, and aren't interested in anything else we have to offer, but that's NOT most guys.

Of course I had heard about those two categories that guys put us in more than a few times, but what I hadn't known was just how easy it was to be put into the Hook-up Girl category. That any little thing we do or say can put us there. I also naively thought that even if I was the hook-up girl at first that a guy would grow to care for me and put me into the Take Home to Mom category once he had gotten to know the real me, and he'd want me as his girlfriend. It doesn't work like that, and I've learned the hard, hard, hard way.

So now, I'm faced with the daunting challenge of changing the way I attract men, and also finding the validation I get from them within myself instead. The first thing I know I need to do is clean up my contact list. I'm going to cut loose all those men that just use me. I need to find myself to be happy, and I know that task will be easier without them. It'll be tough to change the habits I have, and without a doubt a little lonely, but I know it'll be worth it in the end. I refuse to be the Hook-up Girl any longer!

I'm sharing my journey with the mere hope that it could help inspire other women out there to find the happiness that they deserve too, without relying on the superficial validation that we get from men. I know, without a doubt, that I'm not the only woman out there that wants to find happiness and change my validation habits. I would love to hear any comments or insights that you may have to help and inspire those who read the blog. So here goes my journey to finding happiness and the love and respect that both you and I deserve. Kudos to me... and to you.

THAT girl